remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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