Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
