I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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