captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
