Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
