I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
