Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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