I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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