On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
