my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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