You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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