dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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