There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
