My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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