Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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