we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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