Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
