:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My breasts were aching with rage.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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