he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
