I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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