Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
