just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
