I look better un-naked...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
