Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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