seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
