I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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