The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
