I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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