Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
