I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
