happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
