well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
