you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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