I feel great
I just peed on a car
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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