I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Randomize
