Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
