not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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