I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
