Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
