remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
