Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
