dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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