shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
