Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize