I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
