I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
