Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
