How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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