I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
