its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
