i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
