This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
