Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
