I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
