so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize