You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
