Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
