We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
