just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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