Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
